Imagine this, every run starts half an hour early with butterflies in my stomach, is this the run where I going to have to stops? Am I going to look like a slow elephant on Strava? Am I going to be loads slower than last week? Is my heart rate going to be too high? What if I need the toilet? What if my kit chaffs?
For me, this isn’t ludicrous it’s just reality. I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child but in the last 4 years since becoming a parent and having a string of bad luck with work and houses my anxiety has become Generalised Anxiety Disorder, the difference being it doesn’t go away. Even when there is no reason for my fight or flight sensors to be engaged they trigger anyway causing my brain to over think, question everything and try to control the uncontrollable. Sometimes this manifests as worrying about everyday life or sometimes as health anxiety. Sport has always been a way for me to stay sane with my brain and shut my thoughts off although sometimes, if I’m having a flare up, it can make my symptoms worse.
This want to control the uncontrollable can really impact my life as an athlete. When I first signed up with Hard and Smart nearly 2 years ago, I always had in the back of my mind that I wasn’t as good as everyone else and everyone is just ‘putting up’ with me being there. Alex (my partner) used to have to push me out of the house to go to group sessions like swimming and sometimes I would make up excuses not to go. Even when I did go I would feel like I didn’t belong there, even though everyone is amazing and my non anxious side knew that no one thought of me in that way (I hope!). This impacted on how I performed in training, I felt like I had to prove something, push harder, go faster, show that I did deserve my place in the group. When it came to suggesting or asking others to meet up to train, this was a complete no no in my brain. I really wanted to but the little anxiety chip on my shoulder is always their saying “No one wants you, they’ll be annoyed at how slow/unfit you are.” With sessions of CBT my attitude towards myself is starting to shift, I managed to come to the whole group planning session last year and really enjoy myself. This is something that a few months prior would have led me to think of an excuse not to go or for a reason to leave early. I hope to keep working on this and one day maybe, I will ask people to run, ride or swim with me!
When it comes to training on my own, my head can fill with doubt, as described above, some sessions involve a period of worry before even starting. This is usually sessions that are quite specific with various paces/efforts or targets. I always do them but afterwards cannot look at the stats. This stresses me out and makes me feel defeated if the session doesn’t compare with others. Lately, with work from Mark, I am beginning to overcome this and work on feel and leave the technology out of it. We now talk about how I feel instead of pace, unless something significant stands out (like my awesome sub 6 minute mile intervals last week, yes I am going to tell you about this and feel proud of it). It has been a slow process mentally to get to this point without the fixation on turning TP green or getting faster on strava segments but for me, reducing the technology reduced my worry and in turn allowed me to enjoy sessions that a few weeks ago made me feel so anxious that it became a chore.
So how does someone with this much anxiety cope with race day? Well that is a great question, I find it a double edge sword. It can really assist with some races, especially races I have done before or races on routes that I have been on a million times (I’m thinking of anything based at the Blue Lagoon or on the canal here) because nothing is uncertain. I know where the technical sections are, I know which bits are going to feel disgusting and I can plan for this with my endless lists (you’ve all seen my amazing century ride check list, again I am very proud of this). On the flipside we have the unknown. The races where I don’t know what it’s meant to feel like or how the course is going to pan out. I’m thinking of my first duathlon last year, 3 weeks of dread before hand, kit bag packed a week before, health anxiety in over load, is that pins and needles in my hands? Am I having palpitations? Is there something wrong with me? On race day I managed to pull myself together and race but the stress beforehand can be crippling and the only thing I can focus my mind on. The race was awesome, I wasn’t the slowest there, I didn’t embarrass myself and I managed a sneaky 5k pb!
Dealing with success is something I really struggle with, last year I was lucky enough to come 3rrd in a 10km race and earn my first trophy (that wasn’t for swimming) and 1st in the Yorkshire wave of Leeds ITU. But, know one knew this for ages. I wouldn’t share it because my anxiety told me that I only won because there was only 3 others in my wave or that it was only a small race. This is what I would tell people if they asked. I couldn’t just celebrate my own success. I find it embarrassing or feel that people will think I’m bragging if I talk about. Again, this is something I am working on, you can’t control how people will feel, some may feel like you are bragging but others may just be genuinely excited to share your success, you’ve got to learn to ride with it and be proud of your accomplishments.
For me, working with Mark and my cognitive behavioural therapist have been very successful to enjoying training and racing again. Talking and being open and honest about your mental health and feelings does not make you weak or useless, it provides you with allies who have your back and want you to get better and succeed. Let’s keep the conversation of mental health open and reduce the stigma of having a poorly brain!